Next season wishlist!

Since it's almost Christmas, I decided I'd make a wishlist for the next season of The Hills

After the snooze-fest that MTV is trying to play off as the "Bitch-is-back" season of The Hills I have begun to wonder what I want the next season of the show to contain.
First things first, the most obvious thing that will happen next season is that Brody Jenner and his lovely Playmate will NOT be breaking up. On this season's finale, Brody made it seem like the two would be over, but any tweeter can see that the two are still together (Follow Brody and Jayde on Twitter!). So much for Kristin and Brody.
Second, we want Kristin and Justin-Bobby to break up. We all know it's an act, they don't even seem that interested in each other. Kristin can do much better *coughBrodycough*.
Audrina has to do something. All she did this season was bitch about Justin-Bobby. Oh wait, that's all she ever did...
Lo has to get a boyfriend, start a fight, or just leave. We don't buy it that you're Audrina's friend. Or Stephanie's friend. Or ANY of these people's friend. Ok, I get it, you're the new Whitney. Your job is to ask people about their problems so the editors can cue some emotional music and have those awkward silences and stares that have made The Hills so popular.
Metherella has to come back as a raging alcoholic and her and Holly Montag have to drunkenly hook up.
Heidi and Spencer have to get pregnant. With octoplets. And they all have to get a cover on OK! magazine.

And last but not least, they have to bring Lauren Conrad back. The only reason Kristin ever worked before was because of her and Lauren's feud. They have to bring it back. Let them fight over Brody or better yet give Stephen a call, because lord knows that boy hasn't done shit since MTV pulled TRL.

A Thumbs Down for the Newest Season of What Used to be MTV's Money-Making Powerhouse

Tonight was the SEASON (not series) finale of The Hills. With no signs of Metherella it could only be so entertaining.
Brody decides he and Jayde can be no more, while Spencer finally caves in and says if Heidi wants a child, he wants to have a child.
Kristin and Justin-Bobby decide to give a try while Audrina is left alone on some pier.

What is this? Where are the fights? The emotional music set to tearful a rendezvous at a posh L.A. night club? Where are the memorable quotes: "You know what you did!" "I forgive you, and I want to forget you."
Oh yeah... they all left with Lauren Conrad. On the Aftershow, Kristin let's us know there will be another season of The Hills and if MTV hopes to turn this show back into the powerhouse it was three years ago they may have to give Lauren Conrad an offer she can't refuse.

So true...

I love the website Texts From Last Night and today as I was going through the little bits of hilarity I came across this The Hills related text:

(412): i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.

So true!

Visit Texts From Last Night!

"I just want you to be happy"

Ah, the fateful words of a young Miss Kristin Cavallari. I'm sure she said the same thing to her childhood friend Jessica before "hooking up" with her crush (oh we all remember that episode of Laguna Beach)
Ah the return of Speidi's shrink! Did you see the look on that poor psychiatrist's face when Heidi suggested she trick Spencer and go off her birth control? It's so fun when The Hills let's REAL real people on the show.
On a more serious note... I find it somewhat hypocritical of Brody to get so defensive when his fellow bros tell him the Crazy Pin-Up Bitch has changed him. Isn't this what happened with Spencer and Brody when Heidi came into the picture?

So tonight's main event: Slutty Bitch versus Crazy Pin-Up Bitch sit down for a nice classy conversation at some posh restaurant. Unfortunately there isn't much to report... Jayde calls Kristin a slut, Kristin calls Jayde a crazy bitch. Do these girls not watch their own show?

And are Heidi and Audrina really friends now? Audrina swears off Justin-Bobby and Heidi swears off the pill! Brody then swears off life if he and Jayde every fight again! The Bro tells the Pin-Up he'll jump off a building if the two fight again... guess we know Mr. Jenner's run on the show is coming to an end...


And where has Metherella run off to? And the sad thing is, has anyone noticed?

Snip Snip...

So on the latest episode of The Hills Spence decides to nip it in the balls-he goes to get a vasectomy. Is The Hills really that desperate? Vasectomies now? Really?
But aside from that one sour note, the episode was free of Metherella!!
DUDrina and Justin-Bobby has a nice little date together during which he basically told her it's over. Boo hoo, no more greasey hair and days without showering. If I were Audrina I'd celebrate!
Meanwhile, Kristin and Brody go clubbin' together only to meet a fistful of Jayde's fury! The drunken sl*t (which one!? I kid, I kid) goes loco on Kristin. Guess there wasn't a full bottle of Jager handy to subdue her...

It's a headband...

This clip
from MadTV really makes me miss the good ole days. This is a good one too!

So the last two episodes of what is becoming MTV's biggest mistake have been somewhat more exciting. Last week there was an intervention. This week it was the producer/writers attempt to recreate the epic fight between Lauren and Heidi (remember, "You know what you did!") with what could barely be called a dispute between Kristin and Audrina. I mean damn, if these girls can't even get trashy enough to fight properly in a club, why should we waste our time watching?
And why don't they try writing new, interesting plot lines... like what about Metherella? She has so much potential, but is basically just Whitney2.0.

Best line EVER

So the guy MTV bought for Audrina to take on dates said the best line in The Hills history...
At a random bar, Justin-Bobby2 asks "You in deep thought over there?" It was pure gold.

The other big thing this week is Holly Montag's drinking. She let's loose at a Bolthouse event (remember, Heidi's "employer") and Speidi takes notice. They tell her stop the drinking. Seriously? What happened to taking shots in Mexico and getting "married," Speidi?
But what is going on here? Alcoholism? Audrina in deep thought? Adam DiVello, stick to what you're good at... sex tape rumors and mascara tears coming from one eye.

If there is a God, "The Hills" will fit this into the show

Irony, anyone? On the scenes for this weeks The Hills Stephanie Pratt, Metherella, tells Heidi her sister Holly, "really needs help." Oh Metherella I hope you're eating your words now (or eating something, please). Perez Hilton is reporting that Stephanie has landed in jail on DUI charges. A rehab veteran, Stephanie may need to make another trip.
PLEASE, Adam DiVello, include this in the show!!!

Season 5, Part 2?

I couldn't help but noticed during a commercial break the ad for Season 5 of The Hills on DVD. The interesting part is, it's being billed as Season 5 Part 1. So this is Part 2 then? Is MTV not confident enough to make this a season of it's own?

Anyways. So finally a more believable storyline--Kristin and Brody. God I hope this happens. Makes me reminiscent of the good ole days with K-Cav, LC, and Stephen back in Laguna. Hopefully Kristin will ditch Justin-Bobby (or ugh Justin-Tubby, he's gained some since those days of being the lean, hairy hipster). Good to see some of the cast is losing weight... but does it really count if it all goes into your lips, Metherella?
And why is it the previews for next week's episode always seem more exciting than anything on the episodes?
WE MISS LAUREN!

Is it just me, or does this stuff suck?

I mean ok... I gotta hand it to Adam DiVello, he's trying. Kristin was a genius idea, but I don't buy it! Not with Justin-Bobby. They don't make sense! MTV what's wrong? Oh yeah. I know what's wrong... and it was very obvious in tonight's episode... where's Lauren? They even mentioned her AGAIN tonight. The girl, love her or hate her, carried that show. She linked everyone together. Now everything just seems too random yet staged. Once she jumps back to Brody, things will get interesting. Things will get more... realistic!

And for Christsakes, who in their right mind would like Heidi babysit their kid (even if it is just their nephew)?

The Good, The Bad, and The Stephanie...

Well let's see. Same opening song. Similar opening in general. But not the same. What I liked: Well the upcoming episodes look interesting, now that Kristin ditches Justin-Bobby and tries to go for Brody.
What I don't like... and there's a lot of it.
No Lauren Conrad means there shouldn't be any Lo. She's pointless now. She was there for Lauren. Now she's randomly BFFs with Stephanie and Audrina? What? Didn't Audrina and Lo have a falling out? And now they're also BFFs with Heidi? HUH? Was Lo ever friends with her? Speaking of Speidi, the duo is kinda obsolete now too. Who cares that they're house shopping and talking about babies? Their role was to hate Lauren Conrad. And even though Stephanie is taking up more airtime, at least they didn't bill Metherella in the intro. Thank God.
Spills still misses Lauren though. They try to keep the same intro but added in Kristin. It was kind of sad. Her narrating skills will never reach those of Lauren's... though he husky voice does make me think of the Bearded Conrad.

Really.

The Hills has been in the news a lot lately, and duh, they have a premier coming up tonight. There is a lot to mention, Spencer bashing Lauren more, Lauren saying she's forgotten the show, Stephanie thinking about leaving, but what took the cake is Kristin Cavallari's interview with the L.A. Times. Cavallari reports that the show is fake. Completely. 100%.

All I can say to this is

NO
F*CKING
SH*T

Money makes the world go around...

So Perez Hilton is reporting that salaries for The Hills cast members have leaked. Here's how it breaks down...
Lauren Conrad was making $125,000 per episode. Not bad, not bad. What the hell is she going to do now, aside from Kohl's?
Audrina Patridge brings in $100,000 per episode, while Heidi is making close to $100,000. Excuse me? Why the F*CK is that girl making more than Heidi? We all know he story is just filler anyway. Well I guess maybe now with Kristin and JB's possible "fling" Audrina could have more of a role. Still. As for Spencer and Brody, they make $65,000 and $45,000 thousand respectively.

Heidi! What would Jesus say?!

He'd probably say work that pole! Spencer and Heidi showed up in full form to a Playboy party at the Mansion. Heidi is featured on the magazine's September issue cover. Way to go Heidi! Gotta keep up those good Christian morals!

Jessi and Dan are back with the B*tch!

The After Show! All about Kristin! Jessi and Dan are back! I love these two, they don't take it seriously and are hilarious. They talk to Lo about Kristin and Laguna Beach days and then to Frankie and then to Kristin herself.

Uh oh...

So I understand the picture with the Bar Bitch, but umm what's with the Brody picture? I can't imagine Jayde being too keen on that picture, especially with her reaction to Audrina and Brody last season. Watch out Kristin, "playmates always bring the drama."

I don't even know why I'm mentioning her...

Lauren Conrad's line for Kohl's launched. Here's the link to the clothing. Not too bad; I've thrown up worse.

Happy Birthday Heidi!

A big Happy Birthday to America's real life blow up doll!

Wait, what?

Kristin v. Lauren
I'm sorry, but didn't Lauren leave The Hills? Why are they even being compared?
We all know The Hills is a far cry from reality, but in a show that still bills itself as so, how do they explain her just dropping off? Especially when Conrad's BFFL, Lo Bosworth, is still going to make appearances on the show (she could even be billed as an official cast member in opening credits). If they really want a new start, ditch the Bearded Lady and stick with the B*tch.
Here's some more pics of the gals at Sunday night's VMAs.

PS--Lay off the bronzer Conrad! Keep it natural, like your "successor."

Meth-head bashes Perez Hilton

Ok, I'm not the biggest Perez Hilton fan, but um wow?
Sadly I follow him on Twitter (oh lord right?). Apparently Perez had his laptop out and was taking a few notes during tonight's VMAs. This didn't sit well with California's own little piece of the Jersey Turnpike, Stephanie Pratt. The Crackpipe tweets: "Ok @perezhilton u piece of dog shit get a life and get off ur computer u FUCKING LOSER. I would rather rather die than be you. Fuck off"
WOW! Hostility! She goes to say: "Oh ps I enjoyed looking 5 rows back and seeing perez hiltons un-button shirt showing off his fat rolls. Yep one more time... Fuck u perez"
So what set her off? Smoke some bad stuff, Steph? Nope. Apparently Metherella had a bit too much to drink causing Perez to tweet: "Stephanie Pratt is so wasted! She's probably seconds away from barfing on her lap. She's also had too much work done!"
Now Perez may not be the nicest homo out there, but he can make or break people, Steph! Luckily Steph, you won't have to worry, you have nothing for him to make or break! Well aside from your pipe.

Here are the links to their Twitters...
http://twitter.com/PerezHilton
http://twitter.com/stephaniepratt

Audriana v. Cavallari

Oh the "drama." So Perez Hilton reports that Audrina Patridge, the brown-haired ho dropped out as a presenter at tonight's VMAs because she learned she'd be presenting with The Hills newcomer, Kristin Cavallari. Apparently the two don't get along and I'm guessing it has something to do with Kristin making whoopie with Justin-Bobby.

The Hills - MTV Shows

Oh great and Heidi wants to reproduce. And what's with Kristin and that slutty bar b*tch becoming friends? Can't MTV just ask Kristin to invite one of her real friends to be on the show? Oh wait, she doesn't have any.

And Kristin! Really? JB? Honestly? Justin-Bobby needs a quick shave among other things. And after he's done with a few of those razors he can give a handful to the Bearded Conrad.

The B*TCH is Back!

The B*TCH is Back! Tuesday, September 29th at 10pm!
Kristin Cavallari joins The Hills cast for season 6! Kristin Cavallari starred alongside Lauren Conrad on MTV's Laguna Beach. Fans of the show got to see Cavallari on The Hills fifth season finale where the Laguna Beach High alum showed up at Heidi and Spencer's wedding.

I'm excited to have her join the cast, but I'd prefer Lauren to be on too! "Beef Curtains," however decided to step down when the time was right--which to me sounds like a thinly veiled cover-up for "she was kicked off the show because her boyfriend can't be filmed due to conflicting contracts."

The Hills - MTV Shows

Hopefully the show will find some balance with a b*tch-filled cast.